VLADRUSHKA by John Linton Roberson (c) 2022.
I Didn't Write That!
04 October 2015
  THE MAN: The Undrawn Script

Around 2007, I was talking to Ted Rall, who at the time I seem to recall was working for United Media, about creating a comic strip. Possibly a foolish idea on my part--I never could do comics on the schedule a comic strip demands. But in this case it would have been a full-time job for me, so who knows? In any case I chose to give it a shot, and the result was called THE MAN, and you can see all that was drawn of it here.

Ted and I were in talks to adjust aspects of the strip but then, sadly, he was fired. I published what there was of it in THIS SICKNESS #6, and did mean to return to it, but it relied too much on the zeitgeist in which it was created; I'm not really sure it could continue now as I had intended. 

But I did write one more script, and so I'll post that here. I don't ever plan to draw this now, but it shouldn't go to waste.

As you will see, because I usually write these for myself to draw, I don't divide anything by page or panel--that comes in the layout stage. I don't write scripts any differently now than I did when I wrote plays. I simply can't write comics scripts in the usual comics industry format. It wrecks the flow and my concentration, and I believe those problems need to be solved at the layout stage. And frankly, if I was in this for the description, I'd have stayed just a writer.

It's true that makes estimating a comic's length hard sometimes, but it ends up being as long as it needs to be. Fortunately, being totally outside the industry and obscure, I have no relevant constraints.

Please excuse spacing errors that might have resulted from format change.

"The Man" 

A Comics Series Created and Written by John Linton Roberson.

Series 1/Episode 2 script: "Inoperative"

©2011 John Linton Roberson. All Rights reserved. 

    The office of MANNY STEIGER, after he's returned from meeting with Lars. He's in panicked damage control mode, and is shouting into the phone at the president of WOLF News(Manny works for its parent company, analogous to the relationship of Newscorp to Fox.), occasionally hopping up & down perhaps as he does. It's a corded office phone, old-fashioned, in fact a classic GTE. And he's very physical with it.
MANNY:    No. No! Shut up!
PHONE:    Well, we're taking all the heat, and I don't see you backing us up in any way.
MANNY:    You broadcast what we say to broadcast! Lars does not like you puttin' unauthorized reality on th' air!
PHONE:    I'm the head of the network.
MANNY:    Yeah, we all got cute little titles an' they all add up to     th' same thing. You're hangin' on a hook like all us other rubber     stamps, got it?
PHONE:    One of our own hosts—who isn't helping things by talking to     the media left and right--
MANNY:    I'm gonna talk to him about that.
PHONE:    Oh? When?
MANNY (looks at clock, annoyed):    Forty-five minutes ago.
PHONE:    Live on the air without asking. He called for the     assassination--
MANNY:    Shut up--
PHONE:    --Of a liberal senator, and then that same night someone tries     to do it?
MANNY:    I thought I told you to shut up.
PHONE:    It's news. We're a news network. Everyone but us talking     about it? Wouldn't that kind of hurt our credibility?
MANNY:    Oh, now you worry about that? Lissen, you an' I both     know     anythin's credible if you repeat it enough times.
PHONE:    Well, we got our footage from Youtube, which is where more than a million people have already seen it. I guess that makes it credible.  
MANNY:    So why do you gotta talk about it? WOLF News is different, you unnerstand? It ain't really real till we     decide it is. We set the agenda and everyone else plays     catch-up! If we don't talk about it, everyone figures it couldn't' a' been that important anyway!
    An' who the fuck watches Youtube anyway?
PHONE (SFX): click
PHONE:    20 million people for this video as of now.
MANNY(hand to face):    Twenty million losers in their moms' basements! Who gives a fuck what they think? We talk to real people! PEOPLE WHO BUY GOLD!
PHONE:    But--
    (MANNY yanks his phone out of the wall and throws it through his doorway, narrowly missing FRANKLIN O'SHANKLEY, who's just shown up at his office.)
O'SHANKLEY(scoffs):    You still use a phone with a cord?
MANNY (rises, crosses to door):    Newer ones are too light. Not worth     smashin'.
    (to O'Shankley)    Yer late.
O'SHANKLEY:    Late for what? I was only passing by, and thought I might     laugh at you having a tantrum. I'm done now.    
    (Turns, MANNY runs in front of him. O'SHANKLEY, who's much taller than he, just keeps walking, but MANNY won't budge, & O'SHANKLEY won't go around him.)
MANNY:    Unf
O'SHANKLEY:    There seems to be a big piece of crap in my way.
MANNY:    We're talking.
O'SHANKLEY:    What about? I wasn't aware we had any common interests.
MANNY (points):    You know what you did. In my office now. Because Lars says so.
    (O'SHANKLEY sighs and condescends to go in.)
O'SHANKLEY:    After you.
    (MANNY goes in. O'SHANKLEY leans in the doorway, not looking particularly worried about anything, occasionally winking at GRETA, who tries to ignore him, as do all the other women in the office that he casually harasses every day.)
MANNY:    Have a seat.
    (He doesn't. He folds his arms and remains very much in the doorway. There's an awkward silence as MANNY is not quite sure what to do.)
    Ummm...okay, whatever the fuck. (picks up remote, turns on TV) Watch. This is you last night.
O'SHANKLEY (unperturbed, puts up hands):    Before you even get started. You can't tag this on me.
MANNY:    I'd be the last one to do that. Because I haven't yet. In fact, I'd be the only one.  
O'SHANKLEY:    Look. I was just following the memo like everyone does. Iwas just part of the cycle.
MANNY:    The cycle.
O'SHANKLEY:    Mm-hm. You know, the news cycle?
MANNY:    I'm familiar. So since you've brought it up, let's just review this particular cycle then.
O'SHANKLEY (impatiently): sigh
MANNY:    Well, I told you to have a seat. Seats are for comfort.
    Fine. Be uncomfortable. It suits me. It does.
    (They watch. We cut to the TV screen, chyrons and news tickers.)
ANNOUNCER: Wolf News. You just know.
ANCHOR BIFF POW:    Tonight, on Wolf News, Layla Thinner's Crusade for     You!--   
    (Graphic: an enormous door labelled “The Doors Of Democracy” crashing shut)
    --Blocked by traitors to America? I'll fill you in, and Nan Hatchet and Franklin O'Shankley will ask known liberal Michael Toast why he  disagrees. But first.
ANNOUNCER: Wolf News. What We're Talking About.
BIFF POW: Good evening. I'm Biff Pow, and our first story tonight: beloved and attractive conservative congresswoman Layla Thinner suffering from a defeat today, a vendetta from an avowed liberal senator?
    Senator Spebert Humperdink, namely, who today defeated a rider     Representative Thinner had attached to a Homeland     Security bill     passed easily through the House, which would     deport and confiscate     all property belonging to immigrants, legal and illegal, to have     come to this country since 2001. She had this to say on the steps of the Capitol, in front of what     were estimated to be too many supporters to count.
    (All crowd noises and reactions of her supporters should sound amateurishly canned, cut off too abruptly at the beginnings and endings, like a Partridge Family laugh track. Possibly a third-generation recording.)
LAYLA THINNER: --And I think it's very interesting, m-hm, that this  senator went so much out of    his way to block just one little part of this bill, my little part.
    Which I stuck into the bill on behalf of millions of out-of-work     Americans, and their kids, and wives and mothers, oh gosh, just like me!
    (Rowdy applause)
    Because most girls aren't lucky like me to have a career of their own! We need those men back at work for us!
    (Thunderous applause)
BIFF POW:     There you see the heroic congresswoman holding aloft her     infant son, only a week out of the incubator where he spent such a long time and already such a symbol of America's plight.
    It goes without saying, America is touched, according to our poll, with 68% strongly supporting Congresswoman Thinner, 56% moderately supporting her, and only 14% undecided.
THINNER:     They tell me it passed the House because it wasn't noticed!
    Maybe because there was nothing wrong with it, folks?
    (Laughs, applause)
    Well, gosh, let me tell you, America's real Americans need real     opportunity! Real jobs! Real homes! Really! And those in this country from other lands have taken them and I am only saying, like that great king of England, Robin Hood, that fair is fair and we'll take them back!
BIFF POW:     To illustrate her point, Rep. Thinnner invited all her     supporters to join her in a visit to Senator Humperdink's office, face to face. But the known liberal senator would not open the door.
    (THINNER & her supporters, intermittently banging on the door and shouting. The crowd in the halls chant:)
BIFF POW:     The liberal senator, with a wife and five grandchildren had     this to say when contacted by phone today by our own Heidi Glare.
RECEPTIONIST (on phone): Office of Senator Humperdink. How may I help you?
GLARE (hectoring, barky voice): Yeah, this is Heidi Glare at Wolf News. Just trying to get a comment from the Senator?
RECEPTIONIST: Just a moment, ma'am.
HUMPERDINK (almost immediately): Hello, this is Senator Humper--
GLARE (disgusted, dismissive, all very quick): Oh, I don't think the American people need to listen to this crap.
HUMPERDINK: Wha-- (she hangs up. Cut to later in the cycle, with Franklin O'Shankley)
NAN HATCHET (strangely masculine undertone to voice; very unpleasant,     sneering tone of speech —every sentence is meant as a slap): Well,     her bill, you know, is genius and     that's why Humperdink hates it, of     course. So of course he's scared, and he's hiding.
    And all the real Americans that could have had all the jobs and property of these...well, intruders, I don't know what else to call them really...
O'SHANKLEY: No, I agree, intruders, fair comment, absolutely.
HATCHET: --That they could have had! If not for this senator, putting his     nose where it doesn't belong, taking out something that nobody     except him even thought to look at. But you know, he just resents her. Because he's full of hate. He's a liberal. They hate women. What can you expect? It's just the typical kind of fascist attitude you can expect from them.
O'SHANKLEY: Our liberal friend over here, Michael Toast, seems to have     nothing to respond to this.
TOAST (“Droopy”-like): I was waiting for my turn to speak.
O'SHANKLEY (suddenly enraged): Shut up! Can't you ever let someone else talk?
HATCHET: Just what I'm talking about. They can't stand women with ideas.
O'SHANKLEY: Now, now. Our slogan here at Wolf News is “We Want To Be Fair,” and I live by that. Now Michael.
O'SHANKLEY: Try to learn to wait your turn, Michael.
HATCHET: We're all adults here.
O'SHANKLEY (pounds desk): Hey! I thought I said shut up! Till I'm done! Jeez!
HATCHET: Yeah, Mikey. Let someone get a word in.
O'SHANKLEY (deep breath): Michael. Despite your strident, far-left mistakes, we asked you on, as always, because we think you're the best possible spokesman for your unpopular side. I'm giving you a chance. What can you possibly say in any kind of defense?
MICHAEL: Well...um...I—I'm not sure I even remember the--
NAN: Oh, I can't stand to listen to this socialist propaganda a moment longer.
O'SHANKLEY: Tsk, Michael, does this have to happen every time? Cut his mike! Security?
MICHAEL: But I didn't say-- (he's gagged and cuffed and taken away kicking)
RED: Goddamn lib'ruls, always bein' pushy. (burps)
O'SHANKLEY (chuckle of a father who just spanked his son): That Mikey. Always trying to get attention. Well, while security medicates him till we cool off(deep breath)--whoo!--Here's a word  from our fine friends at Goldwishes, Limited. And then...the  last thoughts you need.
ANNOUNCER (against piano music): You always held onto that gold so you could wear it when you go out someplace nice.
WOMAN: But in these troublesome times, who can go someplace nice?
ANNOUNCER: It's just going to sit around anyway, and it mocks you with     those dreams, and how you have to wait now.
TINY DEMONIC MICE: Heeheehee! Heeheehee!
TDM: Heeheehee!
WOMAN: I'll show you.
ANNOUNCER: Yes, send it to us, and be clean!
TDM: Nooo!
ANNOUNCER: Get some money! (magic tinkerbell wand sound)
WOMAN: Let's go out someplace nice!
MAN: All right!
ANNOUNCER: Because everyone deserves to enjoy their life, at     least for     one night. Goldwishes, Limited. Because what will you do with it anyway?
ANNOUNCER: The O'Shankley Reaction. Last Thoughts You Need.
O'SHANKLEY: Last Thoughts for tonight. Now, till all this I had never heard of this liberal senator, Spebert Humperdink, which means that,  for the first time, I have to admit to an oversight. I can only assume it was a long-running plan by the senator so that I couldn't warn you of his plans before he executed them today. I missed it, folks. It's true, not enough people are talking about what's wrong with this senator. Seems like a reasonable, amiable grandfather, this 71-year-old man. A loyal American, he calls himself. But just listen again to this haughty, elitist voice with Heidi Glare this afternoon.
HUMPERDINK (almost immediately): Hello, this is Senator Humper--
GLARE (disgusted, dismissive, all very quick): Oh, I don't think the American people need to listen to this.
HUMPERDINK: Wha-- (she hangs up)
O'SHANKLEY: That's how he talks to ladies. Tsk. On my block, we'd have     cleaned his clock. There's hate in that. Hate I wonder if his dead wife ever knew about. I don't know how she died, but I can only guess. Room for debate.
    And today, he struck down yet another woman. I'm sad to say, there are men who take pleasure in that. But Congresswoman Thinner is a lady and I will speak up for a lady.
    But there's more than his personal vendetta against women at issue here. That's just sad. No, there's what was in the     bill. We all know about the deportation and nobody disagrees with that, but the senator.
    But they took more away from you. There was also a clause that would have granted you the right to shoot illegals, on sight! But now? An illegal immigrant, someone we all agree has no right to be here at all, who is by definition a thief, can just walk into your house, start eating out of your refrigerator and then, what about your wife?
    And the senator just laughs. Under his seeming loyalty, it turns out     there's nothing but a seeming traitor who wants to give away your home, your     wife...but most of all, your job. What I think is, in a perfect country, traitors like this—especially ones in power that can do this much damage to you?--would be shot. On sight.
    Just my opinion. Particularly those patriots in his state, I'd think. Real Americans should stand up to this man!
    --Oh course, heh... My producer reminds me that I don't really mean     anyone should shoot the Senator...I'm just being metaphorical.
Scene Three:
    (MANNY's office, MANNY and O'SHANKLEY, after watching the above. O'SHANKLEY remains unimpressed, but MANNY seems to think he's proven something.)
O'SHANKLEY:    Okay, well, that was mostly interesting, at least the last     parts.
MANNY:    And then you tell CBS this. (switches it back on)
O'SHANKLEY(TV): Oh, come on, Bob, really. The gun wasn't even loaded!
O'SHANKLEY: And it wasn't.
MANNY:    That ain't the point.
O'SHANKLEY: The guy said it himself. I never said to load it.
O'SHANKLEY(TV): Anyway, you ask me, someone shoulda taken a shot at him long ago.
MANNY:    That helped.
O'SHANKLEY:    Huh. Well, I know all this. I was there. Sooo...I'll go now.     Thanks. (he leaves, to MANNY's great consternation.)
MANNY: You get back here. I'm your boss, you son of a--
    (Jumps out of chair, follows. We track them as they go down the hall. MANNY is short & stubby, O'SHANKLEY very tall and lanky, so it makes MANNY sweat & huff to keep up.)
    You come back here.
O'SHANKLEY:    Manny. This motion you see me in? This is what it's like to     have things to do. Scurry.
MANNY:    Um. It's kind of a problem. It's put us in a bad position. And everyone blames you. Haven't you noticed with     all the other     networks you were talking to?
O'SHANKLEY:    And not just about this, either. (smiles smugly and     threateningly, gets past MANNY.)
MANNY:    What the hell's that supposed to mean?
    (O'SHANKLEY gets into the elevator. The elevator door slams in MANNY's face. He reflexively pounds on the door, then stops because it's stupid.)
    I'm going to wear his face.
    (Stomps down the hall, to try to catch up to O'SHANKLEY.)
REPORTER:    Pardon me, are you Manny Steiger?
MANNY:    Uh—yeah?
REPORTER:    Magnuson, from the Tribune.
MANNY:    A reporter?
MAGNUSON:    Yep. And (sticks iPhone in his face) just wondering if you've got any comment about WOLF News' culpability in fostering an     environment of hatred?
    (Pause. A security guard happens to be passing by.)
MANNY:    Troy?
GUARD:    Yessir?
MANNY(points at reporter):    Level 0.
    (The iPhone falls to the ground as the guard puts a black bag over the reporter's head and takes him away. MANNY grinds the phone out with his heel.)
MANNY(lighting a cigar):    When yer behind enemy lines, getting' taken     prisoner is just one o' the risks, man.
    (A part of the wall that didn't look like an elevator door opens up, and they go in. Someone already waiting inside administers a hypo with a sedative. The doors shut.)
MANNY:    This is why no one reports in person anymore, you know. Damn shame what's happened to journalism.
    (He continues stomping down the hall.)

CAP:    Meanwhile
    (RED in an internment room, all white, alone, lying on his back with just a radio. We stay focused on his head, so we think, like he does, that he's just waking, at home. Visions of pitchfork Americana dance above his head.)
O'SHANKLEY(radio): And now, signing off with my Thought for You to Hold. This     was such a nice country to live in once. We all know in our hearts that, however hard it might have been in the old days, we  didn't know the difference, and how bad it could really get.
    We were happier then, when it was clean and wide open, and anything could happen. All white and blank.
    You know what's different. Remember when there were no  latecomers to get in your way?
RED (burps): Hell yeah...
O'SHANKLEY: Remember when you could you could feel like part of     something special, just because we all looked the same, and you     could assume that man next to you thought the same     things, just by     the smile you shared?
RED: Them was good days!
O'SHANKLEY: Remember when things were normal, and you could get your way?  I know I do.
ANNOUNCER: Franklin O'Shankley: Giving You Things To Think About.
RED (waking up in a cell w/a hangover): Uhh..hey! Wait. Where th' hell am I?
    (Two secret service agents come in, one producing a badge.)
AGENT 1:    Well, we were hoping that might get you awake and in a good mood. You obviously being such a fan.
AGENT 2:    Gonna thank us now?
RED:    Whut th' hell'd you do with my house? You the bank? I planned to put     th' check in the mail! Honest!
AGENT 1(sits): Now tell us why you tried to shoot the senator.
RED:    The WHUT?
AGENT 2:    We can do this the easy way or the hard way.
RED:    Oh my god, I been kidnapped by homersexual rapists! Just like     O'Shankley warned!
AGENT 1 (facepalm):    Let's start over from the top.

TITLE CARD: Later that day, across town--
    (DODGEBALL, with our Chris Matthews type, Charlie O'Ardbeale (which in Gaelic means “loudmouth”), just back from a commercial break and interviewing Rep. LAYLA THINNER, the one who caused all the mess.)
CHARLIE:    Welcome back to Dodgeball! We're talking to the fiesty     conservative  congresswoman Layla Thinner.
LAYLA (remotely, on monitor):    Hi Charlie.
CHARLIE:    Now, this anti-immigration rider to the budget bill that's caused all the trouble--
LAYLA:    Oh gosh, we're not trying to cause any trouble, no sir. We're just     trying, you know, to set this nation to rights. No big whoop  here. (chuckles) No.
CHARLIE:    Well, let me ask you--
LAYLA:    Oh gosh, please, ask me anything you want. I'm happy to get the word out. I want to get every word out. Because it's so important.
CHARLIE(waiting to talk):    --Okay. So. What I can't figure out is, you     managed to get your committee to slip this into a bill that had nothing to do with immigration--
LAYLA:    Even more important to get it in there! No one was addressing this issue, so I had to have the confidence to push it right in there!
CHRIS:    But your party had a deal on the bill, and your rider caused the whole thing to get voted down after it left the House!
LAYLA:    Sometimes you just gotta do what you know is right, Charlie. Can't just let those sleepin' dogs lie.
CHARLIE:    Well, but--
LAYLA:    They'll get up and bitecha!
CHARLIE:    Yes. But. If you'll forgive me, Congresswoman. When the voting     came     around on the bill in the Senate--
LAYLA:    And if it was so terrible, why, the committee could have kept it out! I'm not the chairwoman, Charlie! And why didn't they? Because there wasn't a thing wrong with it, Charlie, that's why. Not a thing. Regardless of what Senator—uh-- (struggles for name) Um... (smiles nervously, like a robot slipping into a default mode)
CHARLIE:    Humperdink.
LAYLA (blankly):    --excuse me?
CHARLIE:    Senator Humperdink.
LAYLA:    Well, I guess that must have sounded cute with you and your writers to make up that name for him. That's not a very polite thing to call someone though. The man was nearly shot.
CHARLIE:    No, that's the Senator's name.
LAYLA (pause):    I think you'll find that can't be a name, Charlie. But     whatever.
CHARLIE:    Well, heh, now if I could just get a few words in.
LAYLA:    I'm sorry, I just go on and on and on.
CHARLIE:    Yes, you--
LAYLA:    I get all carried away and words just come out of me.
CHARLIE:    Yes, they do, now--
LAYLA:    Onomatopoeia!
CHARLIE:    What?--
LAYLA:    See?  Just like that. Sometimes for no reason at all, but that's how you get to the great ideas.
CHARLIE (looks at his laptop for something):    Well.--
LAYLA:    My supporters love me for my enthusiasm and spunk.
CHARLIE:    --I'm sure it's something like that. But. I'm looking at the roll     call on the vote in the House.
LAYLA:    It was a historic vote. The Senate hate America. Why is that,     Charlie? Why do they hate so much?
CHARLIE:    And the bill with your rider, the rider that ruined the deal,     that     got it voted down. In the Senate.
LAYLA:    Terrible thing.
CHARLIE:    You weren't there.
LAYLA (blankly)    I was having a sandwich.
CHARLIE:    All day?
LAYLA:    Well, Honestly, Charlie, everyone knows it's rude to vote for your     own thing. (laughs) I don't know how you were brought up but out here in real America we have manners.
CHARLIE:    It would have made it legal for any citizen to shoot someone they     suspect of being an illegal immigrant. On sight.
LAYLA:    Drastic times produce regrettable liberties, but there you are.
CHARLIE:    A very risky vote for all the conservatives who voted for it.
LAYLA (nods):    I heard that.
CHARLIE:    And your name's not on it.
LAYLA:    You know, it's not, Charlie, and I'm glad to say why. It was my duty to just put that out there, Charlie, and not get all big-headed about the credit, even though my name would have pushed that right through, I'll bet. I just had to have faith in the rightness of the principle, Charlie. And you know what? At first, it did. Praise Jesus for that, Charlie.
CHARLIE:    I'm looking at your record here, Congresswoman, and you in fact have never voted on any bill, ever.
LAYLA (genuinely surprised, but in an amused way): Really? Not even once?
CHARLIE:    You didn't know that?
LAYLA:    News to me. I'm very busy. I'd be lost without my staff. Can't keep     track of everything. (laughs) I'm not there all that much. I think it's more important to be out there, you know, among the people. Not all closed up like all those insiders, in some uncomfortable seat. And it's so loud! Have you ever been in the House of Representatives? I couldn't hear myself trying to think!
CHARLIE:    No, it does get loud.
LAYLA:    It sure does. That's really more your kind of thing, Mr. Shouty.     (laughs)
CHRIS (laughs):    It sure is! I love it!
LAYLA:    Okay, Charlie. Gotta go.
CHARLIE:    Layla Thinner. (chuckles) All right. Next, a guy who's twice as outspoken, and definitely likes the shouting! Layla Thinner's knight in     shining armor, the guy everybody's talking about right now, Franklin O'Shankley! Coming up.
Scene Six:
    (Offstage, O'Shankley is getting ready to go on. Suddenly, MANNY steps in front of him.)
O'SHANKLEY:    JESUS! Did you follow me here?
MANNY (whispers):    We have trackers in all of you. Do not go on.
O'SHANKLEY:    Why should you saying that matter?
MANNY:    Because Lars won't like it. You're not saying any more.
O'SHANKLEY:    Lars? Lars? I made Lars. You little stubby creep, I could     break you in half.
MANNY:    You know, you could. You're bigger than me, an' you're a bully. And bullies is cowards.
O'SHANKLEY:    I'm going--
MANNY:    But that's okay. You're alright, Franky!
O'SHANKLEY:    Do not call me--
MANNY:    Because I'm a coward too, man! That's why I'd never try to take you on in a fight. No, I do this.
    (Two security guys in black suit, black glasses, and black gloves appear out of nowhere, and black-bag him like the reporter.)
MANNY:    Oh, I don't get tired of that ever.
MANNY:Turns out you can pay people to do anything.   
    This guy you sedate. Right away.
    (They inject him, he goes limp, and they discreetly take him out. A stage manager comes along looking for O'Shankley.)
SM 1:   Have you seen Mr. O'Shankley?
MANNY:    Yeah, I have. I wasn't that impressed.

Scene Seven:
    (Back to a confused Charlie, being told something in his earpiece.)
CHARLIE:    What?...Didn't anyone—okay, okay...Um, well, welcome to live TV! (chuckles) Well, for some reason we don't know, Franklin O'Shankley is a no show, though I could have sworn they told me he'd arrived. Have to update me better, staff.
    Well, anyway, I'm not sure how we're going to (earpiece again) She is? Okay...well, turns out we have Nan Hatchet hanging out backstage and ready. Hi Nan.
    (She enters.)
    How you manage to be backstage at every show, I'll never know.
        (Laughs. She just gives her usual somewhat scary closed-mouth smile, one of someone who knows they're going to eat you one day.)
NAN:    Well, it's just being out there on the battlefield ready to do my     part, Charlie. Something you socialists don't know much about.
CHARLIE:    Hah! See, this is why I love you on. Now. You were on that show last night. So what did you think of what he said? Pretty controversial stuff.
NAN: Well, I wasn't there when he did his Last Thought, Chris. But I can't say I disagree with it. I mean, you can't make people do things with words.
NAN: Things like the Bible, that's what inspires people to do things. Not     words. I've never really thought much of this idea that our “leaders” should have all this security at public expense. If they can pay for it themselves, fine. Sure! But why should we be made to pay to protect themselves from the risk that a citizen might express themselves face-to-face, in their own individual way. To speak. Speech, Charlie. I thought your kind loved that so much.
CHARLIE: But should that citizen do so with a gun like this Red guy?
NAN: It's his right. I don't see why not. It's not like a conservative has anything to fear from a citizen with a firearm, am I right?
    (They share a good laugh)
    But yes! With a gun if he likes! Ooh! So scary! Listen. The second     amendment is the only reason we can have the first, and we need to illustrate that by always exercising those rights together! I say free speech should be reserved for those willing to kill for it.
CHARLIE: And...those without guns?
    (A click under the table is heard. He reacts to something poking.)
NAN (smirks): Won't have much to say.
CHARLIE: Uh...that, that's all for Dodgeball tonight--(cut to credits)
End of Episode 2.


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Steve Pugh and the Flintstones

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