LULU by John Linton Roberson (c) 2012.
I Didn't Write That!
16 May 2005
  Why There's No Point In Satire Any More  From Salon's "War Room":

A report last week on the blog News Hounds led us to a May 6 exchange between anti-abortion activist Neal Horsley and Alan Colmes on Colmes' FOX News radio show. In the interview, Horsley, a vocally religious proponent of posting names of abortion doctors on the Web so that anti-abortion extremists will know how to find them, admitted to having engaged in bestiality.

"You had sex with animals?" Colmes asked, with regard to reports of Horsley's past experience with bestiality and homosexuality. "Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule."

When Colmes suggested that maybe that's not the case for everyone who grows up on a farm in Georgia, Horsley shot back, "It has historically been the case. You people are so far removed from reality ... welcome to domestic life on the farm ... You experiment with anything that moves when you are growing up sexually. You're naïve…If it's warm and it's damp and it vibrates you might in fact have sex with it." (And if it has ovaries, a vagina, and it has the ability to lactate, you might in fact make it your mission to take away its control of its own body!)

It is not without irony, folks, that the man's name is Horsley.

Since listeners obviously just can't get enough of this stuff, Horsley returned to Colmes' radio show on Thursday, May 12 and allowed the host to press him on whether or not he'd also engaged in homosexual acts as a horny young buck. "Certainly," responded Horsley. "If we had a warm watermelon out in the field, I might give it a name."

Of course, watermelons and mules have no need for safe, legal and accessible reproductive rights.

In its reports on the Horsley confessions, News Hound also noted a conversation in March between Colmes and Randall Terry, the anti-abortion activist who worked on behalf of the Schindler family to keep the late Terry Schiavo alive. (Apparently, Colmes has become a kind of health-teacher/confessor for the junior high-school boys who make up the multi-tentacled life crusaders.) In Terry's interview with Colmes about the Schiavo case and his past statements about his beliefs that abortion doctors should be executed, Terry bizarrely changed the subject and asked Colmes, "Are you drinking Red Bull ... You’re like on drugs … Are you snorting coke? I think that it's time that you and I just admit to the whole world that's listening that we used to be homosexual lovers …" It seemed to be a joke , but an odd one coming from a loudly anti-gay Christian.

Let me explain something for the benefit of our friends overseas who may wonder why people like these are listened to or tolerated by anyone, let alone in positions of power and prominence. Two reasons, actually. (1) We're stupid, gutless morons. (2) They're crazy, dangerous and would kill us if they could. My apologies, world. We're trapped in here with them. Please understand.

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